I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
