I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
