if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
