I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
