I puked a lego.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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