Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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