There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
