Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
