im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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