He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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