i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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