yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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