i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I cut my penus on the lid.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
