That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
