Barsexuality is the new black.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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