there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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