You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
