Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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