when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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