She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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