I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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