I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
