i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
