Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
