Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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