DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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