you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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