this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
