Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
