Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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