If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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