i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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