I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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