apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
True strength comes from lack of pants
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
