Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
