apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my being single is dangerous.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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