I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
