So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
