Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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