dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize
