My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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