dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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