i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
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He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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