what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
