wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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