At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
