well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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