Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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