Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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