Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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