Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I FOUND THE LEGS
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
