last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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