it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
