My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
