There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
